Regrets
by Michelle Birkby
Summary: Daniel has something to tell Sam about regrets. SamJack, DanJan, spoilers up to Affinity.
1. Default Chapter

He'd been standing in her doorway for a good ten minutes before she noticed him. The corridor was brightly lit, but her lab was dark, and when she looked up, all she saw was a silhouette, and it took her a moment to recognise him.

"Daniel, hi." She said, smiling, standing up straight and kneading the small of her back. She got backache a lot quicker these days, and she welcomed the break.

"You're not wearing the ring." He said, still in the doorway. She had to think for a second about what he meant.

"I didn't think it was appropriate, not at work." She said. He nodded, and moved forward into her lab, looking round, uncharacteristically quiet.

"I've been thinking." He said. "About Janet." He came forward, into the only light cast in the lab, and leant his elbows on her desk. Sam looked down, quickly. The thought of Janet still brought tears to her eyes.

"I was in love with her. I still am, really." Daniel said, very calmly. Sam looked up, surprised. Daniel wore no glasses, and it was a shock, for just that second, to see his eyes, blue as her own, so bare, so open, the feelings written so clear in them.

"I didn't know." Sam said. He smiled, a little sadly, wistful.

"I never told her. I was going to say I never got a chance, but that's not true. I had plenty of chances, I just never had the courage."

"When...I mean, Janet never said."

"I'm not sure if she knew. And I'm not sure when I first loved her. I know when I knew, though."

"Tell me." Sam said, gently. She'd known Daniel had suffered as much as she had from Janet's death, but he had never talked to her about it. It was as if he'd shut himself off from the world where Janet was concerned. Now he was opening up, she wanted to lead him gently through it, not frighten him into clamming up again.

"You remember the lifeboat thing? All those minds in me?" She nodded. "I know you all thought I wouldn't survive in there. That's what I thought too. But I knew Janet was out there, and I held on to that. Janet was fighting for me. Janet would save me. Janet always did, except that once. All I had to do was hold on, and sooner or later, I'd see her again, and I'd know I was home safe. And I did, and she was there, and I survived. And afterwards, I thought about it, and I realised that was what you and Jack have...had."

"Daniel..." Sam started to say, but he shushed her.

"My story now, not yours, Sam. I was saying, what you and Jack have.

Knowing that the other is always there, when you wake up. No matter what you go through, you think of the other, and they get you through, and you survive. And I realised that was love. Not flowers and beauty and sex, but a connection that can't ever be broken. And I had a connection with Janet. I needed her, and I wanted her, and I liked to be with her, and I loved her."

"I'm sorry." Sam said, softly. She didn't wipe away the tears in her eyes now.

"The night before she died, I went to her lab. I was going to tell her. I'd been spending ages there, and I was falling more and more in love. We started talking about you. You and Jack, to be precise. We were saying what idiots you two were, to be so in love, and so unable to say or do anything about it. How you were both so blind you had no idea you loved each other. But then, I realised, we weren't talking about you two any more. We were talking about us. It was late, and the base was dark, and all I wanted to do was lean forward and kiss her."

"Oh, Daniel." Sam breathed.

"But I didn't. Biggest mistake of my life, and I've made a few. Suddenly all these thoughts popped into my head. What if I was wrong. What if I had misinterpreted the signals. What if our friendship was just that, and her concern for me was just doctor for patient."

"Daniel, you were more than just her patient."

"I was going to ask you." He said, ignoring her. "I saw her the next day, and she was glowing, do you remember? I hoped it was for me, and I was trying to think of the words to ask you about her without sounding like a schoolboy. That was my biggest problem, embarrassment. But then the call to come through the gate came."

"I remember. She grabbed me, in the locker room. Told me she wanted to ask me about something when we got back. She looked so happy."

"Just before we went through, I told her not to move from my side." Daniel told her. "Whatever happened, she was to stay with me. I didn't want her out of my eyesight the entire time we were out there. She told me not to be so over-protective, she wasn't going to let anything stop her doing her job, but I could be her assistant if I wanted. And I didn't move from her side, Sam. I was never more than four feet away from her. I always made sure I was between her and the firing. I tried so hard to protect her. But she died anyway. I failed. I lost her."

He was crying now, silently, the tears falling heavily on her desk.

"You didn't fail, it wasn't your fault..." Sam said, but Daniel held out his hand, put it to her lips to shush her.

"I didn't tell you this to ask for sympathy, sweetheart." He said, smiling through the tears. "I came to tell you to tell him, before it's too late. Please, I'm begging you, before it's too late. Tell Jack."

"Daniel..."

"And don't tell me I'm wrong, or that's it's impossible. Don't quote regs at me, or mention Pete. I love you both dearly, and I don't want either of you to lose the other never having told the truth. For pity's sake Sam, listen to me. It wouldn't have made Janet's death any easier, but it would have been one less regret. And regret's are what screw you up, not grief. They're always there, inside, dragging at you, sucking the life out of you."

He moved his hand, to her cheek, stroking it softly.

"You think too much, Sam. Every action is thought out and planned, and assessed for it's merit. You behave like a computer sometimes. And I know why. It's all about control. The only time I have ever seen you act by instinct alone is where Jack is concerned. Now please, please, don't wait until it's too late. Go to Jack, and forget your careful little plans, and your thought out objections, and listen only to your emotions, little sister."

"I can't." Sam said, staring into his eyes, wanting to pull back, to recover her self-control. But all she could think of was Daniel loving Janet, and never telling her, and how happy that would have made Janet, and how perhaps, Janet had loved him too, and no-one had ever said a word.

"You can." Daniel insisted. "If not for your sake, then mine, and Janet's."

"That's emotional blackmail." Sam told him.

"Damn right." He told her. "Janet would have been proud of me."


	2. chapter two

She stood in his doorway for barely ten seconds before he noticed her. He looked up, smiling briefly.

"Am I interrupting?" she asked, nodding towards the paperwork.

"Yes. And please, I'm begging you, interrupt me." he told her, happily pushing the paperwork aside. He glanced at the clock. Almost midnight. When he had still been Colonel O'Neill, he'd have been by her lab long before now, teasing her into finally going home for the night. General O'Neill didn't always find the time. And besides, lately, other things had come between them. Other men.

It was a quite an occasion, for her to come to him, but he leaned back, tried to relax, try to act as if it was perfectly normal for the woman he loved and was losing to visit him at midnight.

"I bought cake." She said, smiling mischievously, and pulled two plates out from behind her back.

"Carter, keep this up, and you'll get another promotion within the year." He joked, happily taking the luscious chocolate cake, and digging into it with the fork.

"Then we'd be the same rank. Could be interesting." She said wickedly. He thought about replying, but his mouth was full of cake, and he couldn't say a thing. Besides, given the way things were lately, maybe it was better not to say a thing.

They ate in companionable silence for a moment. Or rather, Jack ate, and Sam watched. Daniel's story kept running through her head. Did she have regrets? If Jack died tomorrow – and inwardly she winced at the thought - what would she regret most? And she kept thinking about Daniel, wanting to tell Janet he loved her, and being afraid to.

Jack looked up, and saw Sam's eyes staring steadily at him. There was something different in her gaze, but he wasn't sure what.

"How's the work going?" he asked. "You know, the thingy, with the whatsit, and the other thing..." his voice trailed off.

"I don't want to talk about my work."

Jack almost swallowed his cake the wrong way. When did Carter ever **not** want to talk about work? Lately, that had been their only topic of conversation.

"How's Pete?" he asked, though he hated asking, and half-hoped her answer involved lots of swearing and the word 'dumped'.

"Can we not talk about him?" she asked.

"Ok." He said, confused. She stood up, and walked towards the side of his desk, closer to him.

She took a deep breath. She tried to ignore the little voice inside her that was screaming at her to leave, go home to Pete, stop right now, before she went too far and couldn't take anything back.

"We used to talk." She said, perching on the edge of his desk. It wasn't sexual, the way she sat there, only inches from him, but he still felt the heat rise a little. She swallowed, and wouldn't look at him. "I mean, not about work. We used to talk about us. I mean, proper conversations."

"We still do." He said slowly. He felt something electric in the air, something changing, shifting.

"Not really. We only ever talk in half-sentences. We don't ever say what we really mean, do we?" She looked up, at him, sitting there in front of her. Somewhere inside, she was terrified that she had got it all wrong, but she owed this to Janet, and Daniel. No regrets. She had to try, just once. "At least, you used to. I stopped you. I'm sorry."

"Carter..." he started to say, anxious to stop her before she said something she regretted, but she leaned forward, put her hands on his face, and kissed him.

He'd thought he remembered what it was like to kiss her. He thought he remembered the passion, and the heat, and the feel of her lips, but it was a dull, watered-down memory compared to this. He could feel himself melting into it, instinctively reaching out to her, standing up so he could pull her closer to him, wanting to touch her with every inch of his body, not just his lips and hands. She responded eagerly, her hands entwining behind his neck, then tangling in his hair.

Eventually, she pulled back, breathless, her eyes unnaturally bright.

"Wow." She breathed, and sat down on the desk suddenly. "Wow." She said again. "That...that..."

"I know." he told her, as breathless as her.

"I should have done that sooner."

"No, Carter." He said, coming back to his senses. "You shouldn't have done that at all. Sam, think about it."

"Jack." she said, smiling brightly, and the use of his name shut him up. "I am sick of thinking. We have a dangerous job, and anything could happen, and I don't want any regrets."

"And you don't regret what just happened?"

And she grinned, breathtakingly beautiful.

"The only thing I will regret is if I don't do it again, and everyday." She reached out to him.

"There's a few things we should sort out." He murmured, but he lacked the ability or the will to pull away from her.

"Tomorrow." She murmured, grasping his jacket and pulling him towards her.


	3. chapter three

Daniel sat in the control room, listening to Teal'c and Siler talking softly about the new body armour. It was a pretty boring conversation, but he wanted to stay in the control room. From here he could see into Jack's office, and he'd just seen Sam go in.

He stared out the window, towards the gate. Even now, every time he looked at it, he saw Janet, standing at the bottom, pulling on her latex gloves before she went through, smiling at his concern, and teasingly offering him a new job as her assistant.

"You can't be worse than Sam used to be." She said, smiling. "This could be the start of a beautiful new friendship."

"We're already friends." He had told her, as the gate had spun up, and Sam and Jack had talked in urgent low whispers beside him, discussing a plan of action.

"Then we'll have to become even closer friends." She said in a low voice, her eyes sparkling, flirting and enjoying it, and before he could answer her, Jack had given the order to move out, and she'd become efficient, practical, Dr. Frasier again.

He missed her still. Even more, as she became less clear in his memory. He'd scoured his tapes for moments of her, and found a few precious minutes, excluding her death. But even the tapes didn't help, and everyday, the regrets grew heavier and darker, and he found it more difficult to bear them, and go on without her.

"DanielJackson." Teal'c said softly, and Daniel looked back from the gate to his friend. Siler had gone, and Teal'c was looking up at Jack's office.

He could see Sam and Jack kissing, clinging onto each other. As he watched, Jack, his arm firmly round Sam, grabbed his car keys, switched out the light, and practically bolted out the door, still holding Sam, still grinning wildly.

"It would appear they have finally found each other." Teal'c said, smiling gently.

"Finally. No regrets for them." Daniel told him.

"Just like Dr Frasier wished." Teal'c told him.

"Just like Janet wanted." Daniel agreed, and the darkness in his soul lifted a little.

THE END


End file.
